I have never been great at making friends. When you are younger and at school, you can generally find at least one person who will tolerate you. I grew up in the 80’s, where children were allowed to run feral, so I spent a lot of time with the other kids in the neighbourhood. I am not sure we actually liked each other as much as we understood there was safety in numbers. Despite all of that I never had a best friend. There was no one person who I felt connected to or kept in touch with once I left school.
When I had children, I found a tribe of moms who did become friends but I lost many of them when I got divorced. As our kids grew up though, we also did start drifting apart. But I did manage to find a best friend just before I turned 30. She was also a mom, our kids were the same ages and we were both trying desperately to find our place in the world.
Our friendship was not without it’s own set of challenges though. We formed our friendship when I left my first husband. When I met my husband our friendship obviously changed but we did manage to navigate it and some my favourite moments were at her house around the braai.
But then she died. Not her fault (obviously), she got breast cancer and within 2 years of her diagnosis she was gone. It was devastating. Even though things between us had not been great towards the end, I always thought we would have time to fix everything and live out our version of Grace and Frankie. The lesson was learnt.
It hasn’t even been a year since she passed. I fear that she may have been my one and only best friend.
Sure I have friends, we go to each others birthdays (sometimes) and we have coffee now and then but I don’t have a group of gals I can go away for the weekend with or head out to brunch on Sundays with. You know, like they do in the movies.
About a year ago I met a woman, someone I had been following on Twitter for years actually. Our boys are the same age, we are similar in age and we have a lot in common. We have forged a friendship that I treasure deeply, but I still feel very guarded and am waiting for her to find me too much.
HOW DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS?
The biggest challenge with new friendships when you are on the other side of 40 is where do you find them?
My kids are older now, I don’t need to stay with them when they go on play dates, do sports etc. This means the opportunity to meet other moms specifically is limited. I work from home, so no colleagues to meet. I am more of an introvert, so starting new things specifically designed to meet new people is very (VERY) hard for me.
Does that mean I am destined to be friendless for the rest of time?
Sometimes I think that’s exactly what it means which makes me a little sad. But then I meet someone like the friend I met last year and think maybe there is hope.
I also find the criteria for friends now is very different to what it was 20 years ago. I don’t want to go out drinking anymore, in fact I don’t really want to actually go out at all. I just want someone I can whatsapp “Did you watch the carriage scene” or “I watched a Karen loose her mind because Woolies had no peeled onions.” Someone to go out for lunch with every now and then and maybe meet for coffee once a week.
I am also passed that stage of needing someone to reply immediately or keep constant contact. We are all busy doing our thing, that’s ok, you can reply when you can.
How have you found making friends the older you get?
